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The Ultimate Party invite for the Ultimate Demo party?
Maggie note:- Following the collective shit-fit of defensive hostility and self justifying speechifying on the lines of "Yeah, there's lots of meatheads in the demo scene, but we're alright really!" when a certain mild-mannered English scene musician and ZX Spectrum wrangler suggested that some behaviours of the mainstream demo scene were not too attractive to outside observers. We are taking our own twisted perspective on the matter and breathing life into this text file as a result.
This is of course, referring to the Pouet 'Demoscene social issues' thread, which kicked off in the aftermath of the Revision 2015 party last Easter.
So I thought, rather than consider any sort of code of conduct for future demo parties, why not go the other way and create an event with NO LIMITS!
Here's what a party invite to such an event might look like..
------ ______ _____ ____ ______
/\) (/\ / _ | _ | \| | _ \ /\) (/\
/ / \ \ | I | I___| | | I___| / / \ \
( y ) ( y ) | |__( ___] | | '___ ' ( y ) ( y )
" " " " | | | I | | | | I | " " " "
| | (______|___| |____| |
'----' '----' '-------'
________ ____ _____ ______ ______ _____ ______
/ _ | |/ _ | / _ | _ | | _ |
|____| | | I | I___I | | |_ | I__|
| | | |__' / ___/| | | I | _ |
| | | | | I \ I | | | I |
| |____' | '________'______' '___'______'
'----' '____'
"Only pussy lamers need ambulances!"
Tired of lamers and idiots taking away our freedom! Under threat from the
fascistic forces of political correctness! Bored of having to obey German
laws? Well we've got the ultimate party for you!
Brought to you by the Germaniac Demoscene Boozehounds and the USS Cyclops Appreciation Society, Penis Tip 2016 will be the ultimate NO LIMITS demo party for SuperLeet UnderGrund Sceners, no lamers or pussies allowed!
DA PARTY!
To get completely away from tiresome territorial restrictions on what we can and can't do, we've outsmarted ourselves utterly and completely!
A hastily (barely) converted manure barge has been obtained as a replacement party hall. This will be sailed outside territorial limits into international waters, so we're out of the reach of all law enforcement faggots and any arbitrary feminazi behaviour codes that are found on dry land!
Once anchored in position, anything and everything will be possible. This will be THE party with TOTAL FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION!!!!
ELIGIBILITY!
We're taking inspiration from the great parties of the early days. This is an ELITE event, so no lamers are allowed. Strict pre-vetting of people wanting to go will have to take place.
You will have to have a proven nuisance making and drunkenness record. Slengpung pictures of you puking from the recovery position in a litter-strewn field will automatically rule you in, as will an extensive collection of Commodore 64 porno (2 Gigabytes or more.) People with an Amiga 500 and a tower speaker system constantly playing ST-01 modfiles will be considered favourably as well.
FACILITIES N' STUFF!
Food and drink.. There will be a full range of pizza's, junk food and currywurst on sale, and NO PUSSY VEGAN FOOD! A full range of booze, beer and liquor, is on sale 24hrs a day and consumption is allowed in any part of the party. If we're really lucky, assuming that they don't get stopped by the coastguard, a tidy selection of weed and hard drugs should be on sale from Saturday as well.
A pre-compo barbecue is being considered, if the diesel stacks on the boat catch on fire.
Sleeping arrangements.. We will pretend to have sleeping facilities. There will be a space allotted. This will be half the size, or less than the space actually needed. If planned correctly, it will be next to the front stage area and the big sound system that goes with it. Also, it will be unheated and below the waterline so will be damp and freezing, condensation running down the walls, breath of slumbering sceners misting in the still dank air and all. But what do you need sleep for? TIME TO SLEEP IS FOR WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!
Toilets and sanitary matters.. There will be some toilets, for those people who are really picky about such things. However, most of you will be too wasted to care about where you piss, shit and throw up! Strategically placed puking troughs are provided for the main hall though.
Showers? Huh, forget about those!
In case of medical emergency, heroin and other painkillers are available at the information desk. Earplugs are scorned. Burial at sea is quite probable. In the event of this taking place, multi-denominational services are provided in theory, but in practice this will just be a booze addled pseudo priest offering a sacrificial token of the dead brother scener to Cthulu and his children.
Big screen and sound systems.. The screen will be very big. The sound system even bigger. When these are not in use for demo shows, porno streaming, compo nights and pissed-up impromptu live acts at 04.00hrs, harsh white noise at 100 dB plus will be played through them constantly.
COMPOS AND PRIZES!
Hardware provided for compo viewings include a graffiti stained Commodore 64, which will also run the network and SceneSat live streaming. A cigarette burned Amiga 500 will represent the 'high end' entries. If you want to enter a demo with any other hardware, you will have to provide that yourself. PLEASE NOTE, PUSSY FAGGOT ATARI SYSTEMS ARE BANNED FROM THIS PARTY!! (Apart from the game 'Custers Revenge' on the VCS console, now that was a game ahead of the curve and cool as fuck!)
Demos and Intros.. The usual categories full demo, 64k and 4k, entries will be vetted for taste and decency before being accepted. Any entries showing signs of taste and decency will be DISQUALIFIED! The people entering them will be kicked off the boat as well. Long way to swim back to shore, eh!
Photoshopping compo, place the heads of the female guest speakers for the seminars onto the bodies of lingerie models (sounds a bit weak and work-safe, can we change this to porno models? - Orga note.) There will be special platform categories for both Commodore 64 and Amiga.
We have a return of a beloved compo from Breakpoint, the 'Mr Freshness' compo is back! Got no talent? Well be the most badass, freshest, nakedest scener, after three days of being utterly wasted! It will be live on the main stage, it will be filmed. People will spontaneously throw up on watching it afterwards!
There will also be a special prize for the most touching moment of Scene Boy Love as recorded live at the party. (A Clifford the Big Red Dog novelty dildo.)
Porno leecher of the party, win 20 GB of authentic 8-bit porno to top up your already extensive collection, on a wobbly mountain of 5.25 inch Commodore 64 floppy disks!
Classic Community Chanting, "ALLO WAS?!" versus "AMIIIGAAA!" - Who will win? It will be a close challenge!
There will be no prizes for compo winners, just scene bravery awards to survivors, and possibly some small monetary awards to the next of kin for non- survivors!
SEMINARS!
But its not just all about the drunkenness and projectile vomiting (really?) There will be a number of female guest speakers, who are serious and respected figures in the world of technology, They will be here under the misapprehension that there is a receptive and respectful audience for their seminars. They have been carefully pre-selected for hotness by the party organisers.
Attendees will be encouraged to call out loudly and vigorously for the guest speakers to strip off and start wrestling. A vat of chocolate mousse will be provided.
RULEZ!
There are NO RULES! None whatsoever, we're in international waters now, so no mummy or daddy to go crying to now! Well there is one rule. NO LAMERS! Any supposedly cool hard people that show lamerish tendencies after three days non- stop party will be reported to the Organisers who will gently massage their testicles with clue bats. Also, anyone disagreeing with the personal, subjective and constantly shifting opinions of the Organisers in any way will be thrown out. We will defend to the death your right of free speech but INTOLERANCE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!!!
The fearless Orga team will of course listen patiently to any other concerns or queries raised during the party, before PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE!
PRICES!
To spend three whole days outside of the reach of petty lameness and political correctness fascists, at the coolest party evah! This will cost you three hundred euro-pounds. The very reasonable price will cover computer desk space, failed attempt at sleeping accommodation, all food consumed and then thrown back up etc. We will even cover enough booze for each and every one of you to have at least one out of body experience per party day! Cool or what?
All girls and ladies will get free admission, as it is assumed they are bona- fide scene mascot sex workers and will pay for their time at the party 'in kind'!
FINAL WORD UP!
Disclaimer - The operation of the venue is not subject to any safe application of maritime law, care and maintenance of the vessel in question, or any vestige of competency in ship-handling. All navigation charts, details of sand banks and other natural hazards have been replaced by a poster of a huge- titted fantasy babe drawn in Petscii. Any lingering safety equipment has been ditched to make way for extra supplies of booze. As we are in international waters, the organisers absolve themselves of any prior responsibility for your safety. But you're all cool and hard sceners worthy of the title, so no worries, right?
CiH - Maggie, a torrid April 2015!