'Top Gear' - In Iran!

Here's yet another ill-advised attempt to flesh out and expand what started as a couple of entries on a forum somewhere else. We're referring to the Iranian Qaher 313 'stealth fighter' which was announced at the start of the year. Someone else on that forum not unreasonably queried whether the somewhat fake Qaher 313 was the result of a so far unseen Top Gear challenge. I contributed a couple of replies, now things are going a lot further than perhaps they should have done!

Excerpt 1 - (Show opener.)

(We pick up with the dying echoes of the Top Gear theme tune 'Jessica'.)

It all started innocently enough, the Top Gear studios received a letter which was read out thusly;

Jeremy Clarkson - "We've had a letter from a Mr Armoured Dinner-Jacket in Iran who seems to enjoy watching the Top Gear challenges. In fact, he'd like us to do some more!"

Dear Top Gear infidel scum,

I hope it is not too much trouble to make this request, but I feel inspired to write to you after watching your latest Top Gear Challenge.

I am, of course, referring to last week's episode, where those dim dhimmi's, May and Clarkson created and almost successfully operated the Top Gear Motability Trebuchet, to enable disabled people to 'see more of the world' as they put it. I'm sure that the impact marks left on the side of York Minster will clean up acceptably, and that the disgruntled bereaved relatives will dry their tears and learn to manage living on without their loved ones."

(Theatrical wincing and facial expressions from Clarkson and company to indicate that senior BBC management are still up all night writing letters of apology to Ofcom and various members of parliament following *that* broadcast.)

"It seems that your skills in making state of the art technology from limited resources, could be applied usefully to our situation here in the Islamic Republic of Iran. We are concerned that the Zionist entity and the great Satan are ganging up to attack the holy lands, and we need state of the art stealth weapons in order to curtail their aggression.

We would be very grateful if you could consent to spending some small amount of time with us and sparing some of your undoubted expertise, and we look forward to seeing you soon.

Kind Regards

Allah's most humble servant

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

James May - "It seems that BBC senior management and our producers were strangely keen for a Top Gear special to be made in Iran. The usual restrictions with visas and entry permits didn't seem to be an issue for us for some reason, so it looks like we're off there tomorrow!"

Excerpt 2 - (Safely ensconced in their planning bunker near Tehran.)

The threesome have their initial planning meeting, and James comes up with a drawing of a stealth version of his own personal light aircraft.

Richard Hammond - "But it looks like your Cessna James, with some faceted stealth panels bolted on."

James May (condescendingly) - "Hammond, the Iranian air force has no previous experience of operating stealth aircraft and will need a basic trainer before they can fly the real thing! Besides, it's not a Cessna, my plane is a American Champion Decathlon."

RH (breaking the fourth wall whisper) - "With the callsign G-OCOK, which we will be hearing a lot of from James, very shortly!"

Jeremy Clarkson - "I can see where James is going with this, the basic trainer idea is good, but we still need to come up with something a bit more fighty-looking to impress Mr DinnerJacket."

(Proudly flourishes plan that looks like the actual Qaher 313 which was shown.)

Powered by a leaf-blower, piloted by Richard Hammond!

JM - "Clarkson, that drawing is aeronautical delusion personified. I would say it is the product of an over-imaginative eight year old! But somehow, you don't have the intelligence and imagination of an eight year old child to carry it off."

RH - "James, does Jeremy have the intelligence of an eight year old bottle of wine? Or a dog? But in dog years, that would be fifty-six, and I'd think we'd find that a middle-aged dog would still know more about stealth fighter design than Jeremy."

JC - "Well I've heard enough from the pea brained sceptics corner, it looks alright to me, and there's nothing there that cannot be overcome with the application of a little POWER-R-R!!"

Excerpt 3 - (It seems that there is no end to the inspiration.

James May - "And there is more, Top Gear have also been asked to overhaul the Iranian space program! We have some useful suggestions for easy to make hardware there too. We dusted off the plans for the Robin Reliant space shuttle after figuring that the small issue with the failure to separate the launch vehicle from the main fuel tank last time, could be overcome. We even have an ideal candidate for a manned version, with our own Top Gear astronaut!"

Jeremy Clarkson - "Some say that he bares his bottom to rival males who enter his territory. Some say he flings his poo at passers-by when staying overnight at Woburn. All we know is, he's called Monkey Stig!"

(Applause)

Excerpt 4 - (Jonathan Ross collects his special prize, it's a Darwin Award!)

We may have to draw a veil over the 'Star in a reasonably priced armoured personnel carrier.' It's Jonathan Ross, who's never knowingly refused an invitation to open an envelope! What happened out there Jonathan?

Jonathan Ross - "I nevvah wealised that 'Gambon's Corner' whymed that closely wiv 'Iwaqi borwder'!?"

Jeremy Clarkson - "Look on the bright side, at least we managed to save most of your limbs!"

JR - "But wot abaat my lap time?"

JC - "It's left a bit to be desired to be honest Jonathan. One minute (pause) Forty (pause) Eight point two seconds! Fifteen dead hostages, five houses and the tower thing in the mosque demolished, oh what do they call them? Ah, yes a minaret, not to mention whiplash injuries to the Iranian special forces team you were suppose to be transporting with you!"

JR - "So as these fings go, it's not looking too clevvah then?"

JC - "No, but at least you're not dead, unlike Ricky Gervaise when he attempted the challenge!"

Clarkson tests the Top Gear Mecha battlesuit!

Excerpt 5 - (The big reveal!)

After two days and nights of solid cocking about disguised as work by our heroes, the almost finished prototype stealth basic trainer for the Iranian Air Force is unveiled to camera.

James May - "Clarkson you imbecile, you cretinous great ape, you've ruined it! The air intakes are far too small and can't go on top of the fuselage! And what were you thinking of with the misted effect semi-transparent cockpit canopy made out of shower cubicle glass?!"

Jeremy Clarkson - "Look James, it doesn't matter if the instrument panel is secured only with chewing gum and good wishes and the wings fall off in mid-flight. You're forgetting there's only one of us who's going to be small enough to sit in that cockpit and be the aviationist when it has to be flight tested."

Both together - "Hammond!"

Richard Hammond - "No, no, nonono, just NO!"

JM - "Sorry mate, it has to be you!"

JC - "After all, you are the only one of us with previous experience of piloting a rocket car using the top of your head to keep it off the ground!"

Excerpt 6 - (Back to the studio.. BACK TO THE STUDIO!!)

Music plays from 'Apocalypse Now' - "This is the end, beautiful friend.."

Jeremy Clarkson (quietly to camera) - "Errm, that nice Mr Dinnerjacket seems to have found out that the Top Gear Stealth Fighter doesn't quite work! I think we'd better leave now gentlemen..."

Richard Hammond - "He looked a bit cross too, when Monkey Stig got burned up on re-entry..."

James May - "So on reflection, perhaps offering the Top Gear Reliant Robin Space Shuttle to the Iranian space program wasn't the best idea either..."

A squad of enraged revolutionary guards burst into shot and start to manhandle our heroes.

Clarkson and May (point to Hammond) - "IT WAS HIIIM!"

(And on that bombshell, it's time to end this article!)

CiH for Mag! - Various in 2013.

Back to the studio!